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The Ghost Of Possum Lodge/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Red green: You know, as good as they're getting at making cars they still got a few flaws in 'em. For example, headlight design. Headlights only point in the direction that you're going. How are you supposed to see street signs or house numbers or hitchhikers? What you need is some kind of movable search light that points wherever you're looking. I'm not one of those useless drivers that needs to keep his eyes on the road, and with this rig I can see everything. I can even look behind me. [ crash ] did not see that coming. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate that. [ whistling and applause ] well, been kinda quiet at the lodge this week. Not the kind of quiet that happens just before the entire sioux nation comes up over the ridge. No, I'm talking about a peaceful quiet; you know, when you can just lay back, close your eyes, and bathe in the sounds of nature. Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Okay, that was more of a sponge bath. What is it, mike? Mr. Green, were you up walking around late last night in the lodge? Oh, yeah, pretty late, 9:30, maybe 10:00. I'm talking about like 2:00 in the morning, walking back and forth in here. Oh, no, if I was up at 2:00 in the morning, I was in a lot smaller room than this. I knew it! We have a ghost. I can always tell. Well, you're familiar with spirits, I know that. No, no, I can sense the presence of the supernatural. I have been touched by the gift. Now, I know you don't believe all that. Well, I believe the touched part. Mr. Green, this is a ghost, and he's here. Have you ever felt the room suddenly go cold? Mike, every married man in the world has experienced that. [ laughter and applause ] we have all kinds of things in the lodge that could pass as ghosts. We got mice in the walls; there's squirrels in the -- there's some cheese downstairs that'll stand up and talk to you. That's fine. You can be skeptical. But I'm telling you, there is a ghost somewhere in possum lodge. [ slam ] he's out right now. Would you care to leave a message? It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's winner receives this deluxe tattoo removal kit. Okay, dalton, cover up the ol' side mirrors there. Harold, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Okay, okay. Thank you, winston. And go! Okay, this is a pest that comes around and bothers people when they're eating. Richard simmons? Birds and bees can do it. Oh, sorry. I used to know. Okay, this is something birds can do and most people wish they could. Oh, oh, relieve themselves whenever they want. No, no. That's not it. This is something you would find on the front of your pants. Soup stains. You're almost outta time. No! It's him! Tell him! Okay, all right, um, if you suddenly find yourself up in the sky above your house, what would you be doing? Lighting my barbecue. Come on, dalton! Have you ever heard of a cartoon character named dumbo? Oh, he was so cute with those big ears. Okay, what could he do? He could hear, that's for sure! Yes, he could hear, but he could do something special. To people. He was nice what? That's not what I'm looking for! Well, nobody is. They don't appreciate a gentle soul like dumbo. Wouldn't hurt a fly. [ ringing bell ] that's it. When your septics go bad, there's no one to blame. No need to apologize or cower in shame. Call for a pump-out, rothschild's the name. It beats losing your home in a huge purple flame. Oh, man, a dent! Don't you hate that? You try to keep your vehicle looking mint, and then some bonehead comes along and nails you with his door in a parking lot. And of course no note or anything. Oh, no. The guy doesn't even have the guts to admit his mistake and face it like a man. I tell you something, I've got an idea that might just be crazy enough to work. And I guarantee you this, I'm at least crazy enough to try it. [ tires squealing ] all right, this here is an arc welder. Oh, yeah, there you are. This is an arc welder here. I just used it to fix the frame on this bicycle. You get a real strong weld to this baby. Look at this. You know, I'm thinking this is gonna be the key component in my parking lot criminal identification device. I'm gonna need a better name before I go national with this. But my first and only real problem is coming up with enough portable electricity to power the unit. You know, there are a lot of great advantages to having vehicles lying around your property. You can use 'em as tool sheds, bus shelters for the kids, and guest cabins for your wife's relatives. Here's a bonus that I tapped into. Every one of those vehicles has got a battery in it, so I can hook them all up to run my arc welder. I'm gonna hook them up in uneven series here. [ zap! ] okay, we're good to go here. Gotta set my trap. First thing you wanna do is take the ground wire of the arc welder and attach that to the ground. Okay, now you wanna take the live end and attach that directly to the van. I would suggest you do that kinda quick. Okay, and you're good to go. Now if someone should come along and happen to touch the van with, say, their door, well, they get to learn just a little big more about electricity. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ chuckling ] hey, buddy, you lookin' for someone? Uh, I think the owner of the van is in the store. Have a great day. [ cheering and applause ] . Men have trouble communicating. They say we don't talk very much. You older guys know what I mean. Remember 20 years ago when you asked your wife to marry you and she's been waiting for a half decent follow-up question ever since? And it's not, "are you gonna finish that sandwich?" but I find that as men get older they actually talk more than they did when they were young. The only problem is they're the only ones in the room. You've all been there, haven't you? Wandering around the house, looking for your car keys. Pretty soon you're muttering away like that weird guy in the park who thinks your dog is a communist. Oh, sure, sometimes we try to cover by talking to the tv or the radio, but I think we all know that deep down that the guy selling speed stick can't hear you telling where to speed stick it. But in my opinion, talking to yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, you have things that need to be said, and you don't wanna offend anybody. You know, by saying them to yourself when you're alone you're probably saving your job, your marriage, maybe even your life. So ladies, when you see us talking to ourselves, just leave us alone. You'll know when we're ready to have a conversation because we'll clam up. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] yeah! Yeah! ( waking up ) hey, red, you in there? Well, you finally made it, huh, winston? Yeah, well, I'm in a bit of a hurry, so if you have anything to tell me, you better fire away. Oh, okay, well, I know you don't go on dates very often, winston, and I just wanted to give you a few tips. For example, picking her up on foot is never particularly impressive, all right? Oh, in know that. I'm just parked down the road. Anything else? Is there oh. Yeah, well, okay. Well, for starters, your wardrobe choice doesn't exactly scream romance. Hey, I'm presenting myself as a successful entrepreneur. I don't care if she knows I'm in the sewage business. Well, she'd be able to figure that out no matter what you were wearing. Oh, man, are you picking her up in your septic truck? Hey, this is a $90,000 vehicle. It's like being picked up in a mercedes. Besides, it's gonna be dark by then, and this baby looks pretty sharp at night. You know, winston, darkness doesn't hide aroma. If you were married, you'd know that. Oh, I got her these flowers. Geez, what happened to 'em? Over fertilized? I guess so. Anyway, I gotta get going. I gotta pick her up at 8:30. Oh, I meant to ask you, I got a call for a pump-out at 9:00. And I was thinking I could just do it on the way to the drive-in. You know, give her a chance to sort of see me in action. Or should I just cancel the pump-out? No, don't cancel. If you're picking her up at 8:30, I figure the date'll be over by nine. Great! [ coughing ] well, mike's got everybody stirred up about this lodge ghost thing. He's the only one who's seen it. But now the other guys are saying stuff is being moved, and the lodge is all messed up. I haven't noticed anything. I think I know who the ghost is. I found this old obituary column from the '50s. Did you ever hear of a lodge member by the name of henry thorkelson? Oh, sure, the possum lake wiggler. Did he have a nervous twitch? No, he invented a lure. He called it the possum lake wiggler. He only made one of 'em. Well, you know, a lot of the time, ghosts are people who died unexpectedly, and it says in this column here that henry thorkelson was in a boating accident. No, no, not really. He jumped on the main dock and the board come up, hit him on the head and knocked him into the spinning prop of the float plane. So it was really more of a plane crash. Were they able to save him? Well, they saved a fair bit of him. Audience: O-o-h! You know the sad thing was he never got to use that lure. He was so proud of that thing. Odd looking. It was yellow and orange. It had a rubber wing on it, and the eyes looked like they were jewels, you know. It's around the lodge somewhere. Uh -- well -- no. I actually believe that that lure somehow found its way to my place. Now, I don't know how that could've happened. I mean, it's not like I slipped it home in my toolbox after last week's meeting or anything. I think I'll just go back home -- nip back home and I'll bring the lure back here, okay? Make the ghost more satisfied, happy, and -- yeah, you know, mike, I think that's a great idea. I mean, it's no big deal, right? I mean, you said yourself it was a lousy lure. I mean, it never caught anything. Not until now, no. Red: Uh, once a year we go out the back and try to clean up lodge. I hate that day. Dalton said he'd help, and he had some kind of a plan. He was gonna bring a machine. I wasn't quite sure what he was gonna do. We had a dumpster all set there. There's dalton now. He's got the truck. He's got something in the back he's gonna use for the clean-up he said. I didn't know -- by golly, I believe that's a jet engine, isn't it? First thing we gotta do, we gotta get her outta the -- they're heavy. Those units are heavy. I don't know how they fly. Then dalton gets an idea. It's a jet engine. It'll get itself outta the truck. There we go. So now what we're gonna do is use the jet engine as basically a vacuum cleaner. So we duct taped her to the side of the dumpster. Then we ran a hose off the intake side. Then dalton said -- I'll fire it up, and let's see how she's goes. Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh! That things got a lot -- holy cow! There's the garden hose even. Wow! Look at that thing go! That's got a lot -- oh, my goodness. Lotta suction. Yeah, it works on dry stuff, dalton. But how does she fare with the wet stuff, huh? That's what I always wanna know. Oh, my golly, pretty darned good. Look at that. Oh, ho-ho. Oh, boy. And there's our whole yard cleaned up in about five minutes. Fantastic job. Well, I just -- that's enough for me. I wanna just -- I'll go in and watch the game now. But, dalton, he wants to -- I don't wanna -- dalton, I don't care. No, I know it works. It's fine. All right. All right, fine. I've seen a dumpster full of garbage before. What? Well, this one isn't. Where the heck? Oh, dalton. I think you misjudged where you placed the jet engine. All right, well, now he gets to drive it away. [ applause ] today on the talking animals portion of our show, local animal control officer, ed frid, is gonna tell us all about foxes. Yeah. That's right, red. Or as they're known in the scientific community, vulpes vulpes. Wow! What does vulpes mean? Fox. So the scientific name is fox fox? Seem a little redundant to you? Well, not if you got one chasin' you. You know, fox! Fox! Fox! Okay. Yeah, all right. Fox! Fox! Fox! I understand. Okay. Well, why don't you bring him out here? Yeah. Okay, uh -- actually, red, you know, it's a she, and you're supposed to refer to the females as vixens. I'm not doing that, thanks, anyway, ed. Just get the fox for us, will you? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Uh, you know what? Something else I just remembered is foxes really aren't all that sly. That's just a myth. I find that their intentions are very clear. Get the fox, ed. You got it. You got it. You know, red, um, I think most people already know what a fox looks like. Ed, you're doin' a segment on my show about foxes. Of course do. To see a fox. I think we need all right, for those of you here in the studio audience, I would caution you, do not make any sudden moves, or cross your legs in such a way that the animal could mistake you for a chicken. Oh, boy. Easy. Easy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Easy. Okay, easy. All right, we're good. Don't anybody panic. Okay, there you go. [ laughter ] that's a dog, ed. It's a member of the canine family, yes. This is a fox terrier. Well, let's not argue about semantics, red. You told me you were bringing a fox, and you bring me a fox terrier? Well, this should be good enough. I mean, it's got the word fox in it. Just use your imagination. I'm paying you 100 bucks, and you bring in a fox terrier? No, you're payin' me 200 bucks. No, I'm payin' you 100 bucks. Just use your imagination. The smart handyman knows that your best projects are done alone. That way there's nobody there trying to tell you how stupid or impossible they are. Unfortunately... It means you have to do all the heavy lifting by yourself. When you wanna take the project indoors to, say, the dining room table, there's no one there to hold the door open for you. Well, here's a simple solution. Mount a rope from the door into the chuck of your electric drill. Then plug the drill into a motion detector. That's the part that'll open the door when it sees you coming. Now, to close the door, take that old thigh master from the bottom of your wife's to do list, and hook that on there as your spring loaded door return. And she works like a charm. As soon as I get past the threshold, the motion detector shuts the drill off, and the thigh master closes the door. Oh, man. [ applause ] we at rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services would like to remind you it's cabbage season. Time to put us on speed dial. Where do you want me to put this, mr. Ghostbuster? Right in the middle of the room. Ghosts always like to be right in the middle of the room so they can see all the exits. Can't they float through walls? Uh, well, yeah, sometimes. I mean, there's different levels of ghost, you see. They're called different levels. Different levels? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like, some ghosts can walk through walls; and some ghosts can go through -- menopause? Are you gonna be serious about this? You know, it doesn't seem to be going that way, no. Open the trunk. All right. You gonna get in there, mike? No, no. I'm gonna drop the possum lake wiggler in there. Then when our guest comes along, he'll go inside there. I flip the lid shut. We got him. I mean, what better lure to catch the ghost of henry thorkelson than the one he invented himself? That's pretty good detective work. Of course, you've met so many of them, haven't you, mike? Okay, you gotta be quiet. Go turn out the light, and find somewhere to sit and wait, okay? Why do I have to be quiet? It's impossible to spook a ghost. We don't want him to notice us. Notice us? How stupid is this guy? Well, he was a lodge member. All right, fair enough. Boy, it's getting cold in here, isn't it? Here it is! Oh, boy. Audience: Oooh! Where's he going? Where's he going? Oh, there he is! Over to the trunk! Go get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Got him! Way to go, mike. [ screaming ] get off! [ possum squealing ] not without me! Meeting time. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I don't care whatever I've said in the past, I like all of your relatives that have ever been born since the beginning of time. And to the rest of you, thanks very much for watching. On behalf of myself and henry thorkelson and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] come on in here and sit down. Come on. Come on in. Have a seat. Meeting coming to order here. Sit down. Everybody sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, I'm real pleased to announce that the late henry thorkelson is no longer late. He's not coming. [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com